Blame Shifting: When Accountability Quietly Disappears
- Dec 20, 2025
- 2 min read
Blame shifting doesn’t always look loud or aggressive. Often, it arrives softly wrapped in apologies, vulnerability even pain.
“Yes, I cheated.”(said gently)“ But you were always busy.”“You chose work over me.”“I was hurting.”
And just like that, something changes.
The focus moves away from the harm done and lands squarely on you.
What Is Blame Shifting?
Blame shifting is a psychological manipulation pattern where a person avoids responsibility for their wrongdoing by redirecting attention to someone else’s actions, usually the victim’s.
In narcissistic or emotionally unsafe relationships, blame shifting allows the person to:
Admit just enough to appear honest
Express pain to gain sympathy
Avoid taking accountability for the bigger harm
The result? You start questioning your choices instead of their behaviour.
How Blame Shifting Actually Happens
It rarely begins with denial.
It often begins with agreement.
“Yes, I did it.”“Yes, I was wrong.”
And then comes the but.
“But you were always with your friends.”“But you cared more about your job.”“But I was lonely.”“I am in pain.”
Your harmless reality working, growing, having a life is quietly reframed as neglect, cruelty, or failure.
Without realising it, the narrative flips:
Their betrayal becomes understandable.
Your independence becomes the problem.
This is not accountability. This is emotional redirection.
Why Blame Shifting Is So Confusing
Blame shifting is dangerous not because it’s obvious but because it feels reasonable in the moment.
You may think:
“Maybe I wasn’t present enough.”
“Maybe I pushed them away.”
“Maybe I should have done better.”
Slowly, you start carrying guilt for things you never did.
The bigger mistake cheating, lying, emotional harm remains untouched. And you are left doing the emotional labour alone.
The Emotional Impact of Blame Shifting
Over time, blame shifting can lead to:
Chronic self-doubt
Over-explaining and over-apologising
Confusion between responsibility and self-blame
Loss of self-trust
Emotional exhaustion
You don’t just question the relationship. You begin questioning yourself.
That’s when people lose themselves quietly.
A Grounding Truth
Taking responsibility for your part is healthy. Taking responsibility for someone else’s choices is not.
If you’re constantly feeling guilty even when you haven’t done anything wrong pause.
That confusion is not your flaw. It’s a sign something unsafe is happening emotionally.
You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone
If you find yourself:
Replaying conversations
Carrying guilt that doesn’t feel right
Feeling responsible for someone else’s harmful behaviour.
Support can help you untangle what’s yours and what never was.
Book a session with an expert at SEVEE.CARE
before you lose yourself completely taking responsibility for things you never did.
Clarity is not confrontation. Clarity is care.
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