Idealization and Devaluation: Freud and Vaknin on Human Relationships
- Jan 1
- 8 min read
The Dual Mothership Model by Professor Sam Vaknin, in the context of narcissism, refers to the psychological dynamics of dependency in narcissistic relationships, particularly involving a narcissist and two primary sources of support or "motherships." These motherships play distinct but interconnected roles in sustaining the narcissist's false self and providing narcissistic supply.
Key Concepts of the Dual Mothership Model:
Two Sources of Narcissistic Supply:
The narcissist relies on two primary sources of validation to maintain their emotional equilibrium:
Primary Mothership: This entity or individual provides long-term, stable support, such as a spouse, family member, or employer. It is a consistent and reliable source of validation.
Secondary Mothership: This source is more transient and often provides a quick "boost" to the narcissist's ego. It might include new relationships, achievements, or temporary admirers.
Roles of the Motherships:
Primary Mothership:
Offers a steady stream of attention and affirmation.
Acts as a stabilizing force, providing a sense of identity and security for the narcissist.
Often endures emotional abuse, neglect, or devaluation as the narcissist shifts focus to the secondary mothership.
Secondary Mothership:
Serves as a supplementary or backup source of supply.
Helps the narcissist cope with challenges or failures by offering admiration or novelty.
Often idealized initially but discarded once its usefulness wanes.
Interplay Between Motherships:
The narcissist switches between the two motherships based on their emotional needs or situational demands.
When the primary mothership fails to meet expectations, the narcissist turns to the secondary source for reinforcement, and vice versa.
Manipulation and Control:
The narcissist often pits the two motherships against each other, creating competition or conflict to maintain dominance and control.
This dynamic prevents either source from fully understanding their role in the narcissist's life, ensuring they remain dependent on the narcissist.
Dependency on Dual Support:
The narcissist’s reliance on two motherships reflects their fear of abandonment and inability to self-regulate emotionally.
The dual system ensures a constant flow of validation, minimizing the risk of narcissistic collapse.
Implications in Relationships:
Toxic Dynamics:
Those in the role of a primary or secondary mothership often experience emotional exhaustion, confusion, and harm due to the narcissist's manipulative behaviors.
Emotional Drain:
The primary mothership may feel undervalued or replaced when the narcissist turns to the secondary source.
The secondary mothership may feel used or discarded after their initial idealization phase.
Cycles of Abuse:
Both motherships are subjected to the narcissist’s cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard, creating a toxic and repetitive relationship pattern.
Why is it Called a "Dual Mothership Model"?
The term reflects the narcissist’s reliance on two "parental-like" sources of support and validation, akin to being emotionally tethered to two "motherships" that sustain their false self. This dependency highlights the narcissist's lack of self-sufficiency and deep-seated emotional fragility.
Here are examples of the Dual Mothership Model in the context of narcissistic relationships, illustrating how a narcissist interacts with their two primary sources of support:
Example 1: Romantic Relationship
Primary Mothership: A long-term partner or spouse.
The narcissist relies on them for stability, financial support, and a consistent home environment.
They are often emotionally manipulated, guilt-tripped, and blamed for the narcissist’s shortcomings.
Secondary Mothership: A new romantic interest or affair.
The narcissist seeks admiration and excitement from this person when they feel bored or unfulfilled by the primary partner.
Initially, they idealize the secondary source, showering them with attention and charm.
Once the thrill fades, they may return to the primary mothership or seek a new secondary source.
Behavioral Cycle:
The narcissist starts an affair when they feel their partner isn't meeting their emotional or ego needs.
They emotionally neglect their primary partner but return when the affair ends, blaming the partner for "pushing them away."
Example 2: Workplace Dynamics
Primary Mothership: A dependable, long-term colleague or subordinate.
This individual consistently supports the narcissist by doing most of the work and covering their mistakes.
The narcissist often dismisses their contributions and takes credit for their efforts.
Secondary Mothership: A new, ambitious colleague or project.
The narcissist uses the secondary source to boost their image, leveraging their ideas or work to gain recognition.
Once the secondary source outlives its usefulness or threatens their authority, the narcissist devalues or discards them.
Behavioral Cycle:
The narcissist praises the new colleague to make the primary mothership feel insecure, creating competition.
They later criticize or isolate the secondary mothership, ensuring their primary support system remains loyal.
Example 3: Family Relationships
Primary Mothership: A parent or sibling.
The narcissist leans on them for unconditional support, financial help, or validation.
They may guilt-trip the primary source by emphasizing familial obligations.
Secondary Mothership: A friend or distant relative.
The narcissist uses them as an outlet for admiration, often complaining about or triangulating against the primary source.
This secondary relationship fades when the primary mothership re-establishes their role.
Behavioral Cycle:
During family arguments, the narcissist turns to the friend or relative to "take their side" and validate their feelings.
Once reconciled with the family member, they distance themselves from the secondary mothership, often without explanation.
Example 4: Social Circle
Primary Mothership: A long-term best friend.
The narcissist relies on them for emotional support and companionship.
This person is often taken for granted and emotionally drained by the narcissist’s constant demands.
Secondary Mothership: A new friend or acquaintance.
The narcissist seeks novelty and validation from this person, often boasting about the connection to make the primary mothership jealous.
The new friend may be discarded when they no longer provide the desired admiration.
Behavioral Cycle:
The narcissist neglects the best friend while flaunting their relationship with the new friend.
Once the secondary source loses interest, the narcissist returns to the best friend, blaming them for being "distant."
Breaking Free from the Dual Mothership Dynamic
Recognize the Pattern:
Understanding the narcissist’s behavior and identifying your role (primary or secondary) is the first step.
Set Boundaries:
Refuse to compete for the narcissist's attention or validation.
Limit your emotional, financial, and time investment in the relationship.
Prioritize Your Well-Being:
Focus on self-care, therapy, and building healthier relationships.
Avoid trying to "fix" the narcissist—they must take responsibility for their actions.
Seek Support:
Engage with support groups or counselors to process your experiences and regain confidence.
Surround yourself with individuals who respect and value you unconditionally.
Disengaging from a narcissistic relationship, particularly one following the Dual Mothership Model, requires a combination of awareness, strategy, and self-preservation. Here's a step-by-step approach:
1. Recognize Your Role
Primary Mothership: If you're the long-term support, you may feel trapped by guilt, responsibility, or emotional manipulation.
Secondary Mothership: If you're the new or temporary source, you might feel idealized initially but discarded later.
Understanding your role helps you realize the narcissist’s pattern is not about you, but about their unquenchable need for validation.
2. Acknowledge the Narcissist’s Limitations
Narcissists are unlikely to change unless they recognize their issues and seek consistent therapy (which is rare).
Stop expecting accountability, empathy, or genuine emotional connection.
Accept that their behaviors stem from their psychological insecurities, not your inadequacies.
3. Establish Firm Boundaries
Clearly communicate what you will and will not tolerate.
Example: "I will not engage in conversations where I’m being blamed unfairly."
Limit access to your emotional energy, time, and resources.
Avoid explaining or justifying your boundaries; narcissists often twist arguments to regain control.
4. Avoid Emotional Triggers
Narcissists thrive on reactions like anger, guilt, or sadness. Maintain emotional neutrality.
Use phrases like:
"I see your point."
"Let’s agree to disagree."
"I need time to process this."
This prevents them from escalating conflicts and keeps you in control.
5. Stop Playing Their Game
Don’t compete: Avoid the trap of vying for attention or proving your worth against the "other mothership."
Don’t engage in triangulation: Refuse to discuss or criticize the other person involved (e.g., secondary supply). This removes their leverage.
6. Detach Gradually
If you cannot disengage immediately (due to family ties, work, etc.), start emotionally detaching:
Limit conversations to practical or neutral topics.
Reduce time spent together.
Avoid sharing personal vulnerabilities—they may exploit them later.
7. Exit the Relationship
Plan Your Exit:
Have a clear strategy to reduce dependence on the narcissist (financial, emotional, or logistical).
Seek external support from friends, family, or professionals.
No Contact (if possible):
Block their number, emails, and social media to prevent further manipulation.
If complete no-contact isn’t feasible, use the Gray Rock Method (respond minimally and unemotionally).
8. Focus on Self-Healing
Therapy: Work with a therapist to process the trauma and rebuild your self-esteem.
Journaling: Write about your experiences to gain clarity and track your progress.
Self-Care:
Engage in hobbies, exercise, and mindfulness practices.
Surround yourself with people who uplift and validate you.
9. Build a Strong Support System
Connect with people who understand your situation and respect your boundaries.
Join support groups (e.g., for survivors of narcissistic abuse) to gain insights and share experiences.
10. Avoid Being Drawn Back
Hoovering: Narcissists often try to "suck you back" into their orbit with promises of change, guilt trips, or charm. Recognize this for what it is—a tactic to regain control.
Stay Resolute: Remind yourself of the reasons you left and the patterns you no longer wish to endure.
Mantras to Remember
"I am not responsible for fixing them."
"My worth is not defined by their validation."
"I deserve relationships based on respect and mutual care."
There are similarities between Freud’s Madonna-Whore Complex and Sam Vaknin’s Mothership Theory, particularly in how both concepts explore the dynamics of idealization, devaluation, and the splitting of roles in relationships. Here’s a breakdown of the parallels:
1. Idealization and Devaluation
Freud’s Madonna-Whore Complex:
Freud posited that some men split women into two distinct categories:
Madonna: The pure, virtuous, and nurturing figure, often placed on a pedestal and respected.
Whore: The sensual, sexual figure, desired but not respected.
This split reflects an inability to reconcile sexual desire with emotional intimacy, leading to polarized perceptions of women.
Vaknin’s Dual Mothership Theory:
Narcissists split their sources of emotional support into two roles:
Primary Mothership: The stable, long-term source of validation (akin to the "Madonna").
Secondary Mothership: The temporary, exciting source of admiration and novelty (akin to the "Whore").
This dynamic arises from the narcissist’s inability to integrate stability and excitement into one relationship.
2. Splitting as a Defense Mechanism
Both theories involve splitting, a psychological defense mechanism where people or roles are divided into extremes:
Madonna-Whore Complex: Women are seen as either wholly virtuous or wholly sexual, with no overlap.
Mothership Theory: Support sources are split into "idealized" (Primary) and "expendable" (Secondary) roles.
This splitting protects the individual (whether the man in Freud’s theory or the narcissist in Vaknin’s) from the anxiety of integrating complex emotional or relational realities.
3. Fear of Intimacy
Freud’s Theory:
The Madonna-Whore Complex reflects a fear of intimacy, where sexual desire and emotional closeness cannot coexist. The "Madonna" is revered but sexually distant, while the "Whore" is desired but emotionally detached.
Vaknin’s Theory:
Narcissists fear genuine emotional intimacy because it threatens their fragile false self. By maintaining separate motherships, they avoid the vulnerability required to integrate these roles into one person.
4. Dependency on External Sources
Madonna-Whore Complex:
The man depends on external women to fulfill specific needs (moral support vs. sexual gratification), rather than seeking internal balance.
Mothership Theory:
The narcissist relies on external sources (primary and secondary motherships) for validation, admiration, and stability, reflecting their inability to self-regulate emotionally.
5. Emotional Harm to Others
Both theories lead to emotional harm for those involved:
Madonna-Whore Complex: Women subjected to this dynamic may feel objectified, misunderstood, or trapped in narrow roles.
Mothership Theory: Both the primary and secondary motherships may feel used, undervalued, and discarded as the narcissist alternates between them.
Key Difference
While Freud’s theory focuses on sexual dynamics and the projection of unresolved maternal conflicts, Vaknin’s theory centers on the narcissist’s psychological need for supply and their strategies to maintain emotional stability.
Conclusion
The similarity lies in how both theories describe splitting behaviors to manage internal conflicts and fears of intimacy. The difference is that Freud’s theory is rooted in sexual and gender dynamics, whereas Vaknin’s theory is broader, encompassing emotional validation and narcissistic supply dynamics. Both, however, highlight the complexity of human relationships and the psychological mechanisms used to navigate them.
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